Much rambling.
Published Saturday July 10th, 2004

I'm beginning to lose track of the days.. I had to ask my computer what today was before i was able to say that, today, Tuesday not a whole lot took place. Fascinating, isn't it? Oh yes!

I woke up today with an odd feeling in my stomach. When i rolled onto either side the world started to spin counter clockwise, even if i closed my eyes. I was really dizzy for some reason. When i lay back on my back, the dizziness faded. It was really strange. When i stood up i was even more dizzy and i felt like throwing up throughout the day. A load of fun. Never actually did throw up, even though i wished at many points i would have just to have my stomach/the pukie feeling go away.. Oh well.. I kind of felt this way the first few days i got here.. I wonder what's causing it.. Heh..

Anyway, at around 1130 Andrea and i headed over to the Sommer's where we ate lunch with my grandparents. After this, which lasted for some time, we went upstairs where we talked with Mirjam, Irene, Fritz and Deborah. Mirjam and Deborah being cousins and Irene and Fritz being my aunt and uncle. We played a game called Rummikub or something of the sort with Irene and Deborah. I kind of like that game, its fun. Heh. A kind of think/mental-logic game.. *shrugs* After the game, Deborah went to the Forum to go swimming and Mirjam, Andrea and I watched A Walk To Remember.. I got bored, and left.. I walked around the farm a bit and then experiencing a brief break from my odd-feeling stomach and feeling a desire for something sweet i walked into town and bought myself a chocolate pudding/cream thingo which i ate with the aluminium lid which was on the cup. It was very yummy.. Heh, of course. I walked back and found my grandma and grandpa downstairs in the kitchen having their daily afternoon-snack. I joined them and my grandpa and i joked over these small, red berries which no one likes but my grandma. I kept holding them in front of my grandpas face sarcastically as though he wanted them, and as though i was insisting he could have them.. Heh, it was fun. Then my grandma ate them, and my grandpa and i were glad because she was no longer able to attempt to feed them to us. They went to muck the .. stalls? Place, inside, where cows reside.. I dunno what to call it. Anyway, they went there and i went back upstairs where Andrea and Mirjam had just finished watching the movie.

Fritz came in for his afternoon snack and he made fun of me and eating my pudding. He saw me while i walked back to the farm while he was driving his tractor down a hill. I knew he saw me, i saw him but i did not acknowledge him on his tractor or that i knew he saw me. Hrm, we hung about a bit and then Andrea and I helped make dinner. We ate dinner after a while.. Had conversation and made ourselves cosy. I drank yummy fresh milk which was not but 2 hours old. Two hours before it was in a cow.. Mmm, i love milk. Fresh milk is awesome. Its so yummy, its orgasmic. Heh. After dinner, at around 2100 Andrea and I headed back over to the apartments.. I went on the Internet a bit, and now here i am..

I'm feeling a mixture of emotions today.. I'm somewhat depressed. Perhaps out of a bit of loneliness and too much thought.. the later seems to be a reoccurring thing. I want a acoustic guitar. Random, yes.. I'm watching and listening to some of my sappy/popish music videos.. Music videos where i tend to like the song, and where i find the singer attractive. Perfect for my mood, numb the senses a bit. Have you noticed how i've become much more personal with my weblog entries? Hoorah.

Heh, how about some more rambling..

Where should i start, or rather, with what.. Let's see.. A quick one about old people. Old people kind of make me sad. I also don't really want to become old.. It's not their age, or the high number in their age.. Instead, its how they move which upsets me. Slow, complicated, with hesitation and stiffness. Everything is a great task and takes about 5 times as long as it really should. I watched my grandpa (Sommer) put on his shoes.. Gah, i shouldn't have done that. He lifted his foot onto a chair, and once he accomplished this tremble-inducing task, he continued to bend closer to his foot so that he could tie each single tie with great difficulty.. Heh, it make's me kind of sad..

My grandparents on my mom's side, the Sommer grandparents live downstairs in this 2 story farm house. Upstairs live my cousins, aunt and uncle. Upstairs it is generally light and there is a good amount of light brightening things up, even on dark and rainy days like it was today. (There were thunderstorms in the morning, and rained on and off throughout the day.) Downstairs where my grandparents live, it's much darker. Even on sunny day's, the lights which find themselves sparsely placed on the ceiling barely dent the dark gloom of my grandmas large kitchen. I find this kind of upsetting. My grandpa is 80.. I don't find a dark, gloomy atmosphere like that suitable, heh. Then again, he does spend most of his time outside in the open.. And my grandparents room is very light, so i guess it's not too bad.. But still. Heh.. I dunno.

It used to be that my grandpa on my mom's side of the family, and my grandma on my dad's side of the family were my favourite to be with, or whom i liked the best. My Sommer grandpa because he is just.. a warm, sweet, kind, compassionate man, not just in personality but in outward, physical appearance.. And my Luethy grandma because i could easily communicate with her and hold a conversation.. I was kind of intimidated of my Sommer grandma and my Luethy grandpa.. Though, today i find that i like them all. I can communicate with my Luethy grandpa quickly and easily. I understand his jokes, and can join in on them. He also seems to have softened up much not only in appearance, but in personality. He's much more warm and friendly, it seems.. to me. Heh. My Sommer grandma i can hold a conversation with more easily, and also end them. I used to find it very difficult to leave her presence because she would continue talking, and i was never sure if she was talking to me, or if she was just talking. But now, it seems that she does not really do this anymore, or i just communicate better that i am leaving the conversation. I dunno. It's interesting that i look for my grandfathers for physical appearance's as well as personality and to my grandmothers for communication.. Hrm. I want to try to capture the compassionate glimpses i see in their aged and wise eyes, but i doubt they would both ever willingly model in such a way.. It makes me sigh when i look into my Sommer grandpa's eyes.. Hm..

An observation on my cousin Damaris. I recall that she used to never want to have anything to do with me. She used to never want to play games, or do anything. She gave of the impression that she thought that she was too cool, or too mature to play such child-like games.. Though, now.. She is completely opposite. She insists on playing some sort of game.. She talks with Andrea and I, holds conversations and such like.. Heh. I probably only noticed because i was probably offended in past years and because, somehow i have a lot of respect for her.. Don't quite know why i would have more for her than other cousins, but this is how it is. Damaris is my age, younger by just a few days, i believe.. Maybe our similar age has some connection. I don't know.

What makes a good photo?

Sometimes i don't want to post certain things i write, yet i do at the same time. I don't want to post some things because i'm afraid, and sometimes sure, that i might hurt someone, and this i don't want. However, i also don't think that is fair.. This is after all my form of a journal, my weblog and I think i am allowed to say and speak my opinions and not be sorry about how they effect those who read these entries.. Though, again.. not. What is the boundary, where is the border.. What can i say, and what can i not? I think i can certainly write all i wish about myself. However, what if the things i write about myself upset others? Is that a issue i should concern myself with, or not? Hrm.. I don't know.

It's easier for me to joke about thinking a guy is attractive then to admit to finding a female attractive. An interesting observation, no? Mmhm.

Heh, wow.. I'm on a roll.. 00:47, alright!

I can feel my mind always evolving. "Feel" not exactly in a literal sense, but more of a .. philosophical sense. I can sense my mind always changing. Always new things come into play which shape the way i think, what i think, how i think, why i think and get lost in though.. Certain mental habits come about, and then things rotate around certain thoughts and beliefs i hold, and the two come hand in hand. The mental habits dissipate, or become altered, and my beliefs change changing the things i think about, and the thoughts i have.. However, these things happen in only the very minuscule of amounts.. Otherwise, i would become a completely different person every few months, and this does not hold true.

Chatting with Jessica this evening, i found out that on Jesse's birthday on July 5th, they gave him a blow up doll.. Ha ha ha ha. I wish i would have been there for that delivery. Hilarious it would have and must have been. Happy belated birthday, Jesse. Heh.

While i was on the Internet, Andrea was playing GTA: Vice City on my laptop.. For those of you who don't know, the game is pretty gory and you go around stealing people's cars and killing them if you so please (which one often does). My grandma occasionally comes and looks at what is going on when Andrea is playing the game, and asks certain questions like, "What do you need a 'meat cleaver' for?" or "What are you doing with that screw driver? You can't use that on people!" Heh, little does she know that, why yes.. yes you can use the screwdriver on people.. In fact, it works quite well.. To kill them, that is. Heh. My grandma thinks its just a game where you drive around cars and do stunts in them, because that's all Andrea and i have shown her of the game. Whenever she come's and looks we put away our flame-throwers and innocently drive around in a car. Ha ha. Yeh, Andrea and I are both a bit reluctant to actually show her what else you can do in the game. Though, i'm sure it'll happen eventually. *shrugs*

Yeh, well then, i think i am done for today.. I need to sleep some, i think.. Thusly, off i go to bed.
Posted by Havanna @ 08:48, July 11, 2004
Hey marco, I love to read even all your rambling... Just go on... And you can write everything that's on your mind, don;t be afraid to hurt me: I'm not gonna take anything personally, and since I am the most important person in your life, that should be enough for you! ;) By the way, in my room (at home, not here) is an acoustic guitar and obviously I'm not using it at the moment. So feel free to ask my mam for it, it's her's anyway! ;) Did you hear anything from Daniel or somebody else yet? Or do I have to kick them? :) Have fun and say hi to your family (all of them! :)) Anna