Published Sunday November 2nd, 2003



Meh, as i write this im in a slightly irritated mood, so... excuse any blatant or extreme sarcasm which might be out of the norm... Heh, yea.. anyways... a 5 day week of boring stupid painfuly dumb (and painful) school... i cant even recall what i did during the week.. i just remember.. that.. it went and passed by and.. well.. was... boring and.. uhm.. painful.. and.. who knows what.. rant rant rant rant complain complain complain... argh. Im irritated, have i mentioned this? Why am i irritated, might be a relevant question.. and.. my answer.. i dont really know.. maybe its just stress and anxiety around the reality that i have to go to school again for a full 5 day week. Im tired. I got 10 to 10 and a half hours of sleep and it hasnt even been 10 hours.

Heh, and i go on an irrational rant in IRC and, as soon as i start.. the rationality subfunctions in my mind kick in and stop me from being a complete moron.. i like how that works. Yes.. random side comment... that.. makes no sence to anyone who is reading this and, probably not even myself the next time if ever i read this... whaddya know... truly fascinating, i do realize.. Okay, now that i have typed oh, what? 100 words about absolutely nothing (and its not really nothing, because nothing is something, just nothing) i will move on to something more, well... uhm.. something else.

Today, sunday.. was an odd day... Every once in a while when it seems that everything comes togheter, or i have some project due, or a number of variables seem to come togheter i have a day where i feel completely oblivious to anything which goes on untill after it has happened. Someone tells me something, or some conversations takes place and i dont realize or comprehend what i said and what they said untill the conversation is over. Some subconscious part of me just answers the questions or makes responces to the input they recieve, which could potentially be dangerous to myself and others because i dont know if when this happens, if i filter the things i say for general consumption. You know what im talking about... Maybe leaving specifics out, or not telling certain people or all people about specific things, a balance between information you're supposed to tell people, and those that you are to keep to yourself. Secrets that someone has told you, that you are not to relay to others, and knowledge that is public domain, in a sence and you can be as liberal with as you might desire. ANyways, today.. i felt .. maybe disconnected from myself, from my mind... my brain and body on some sort of auto-pilot.. i felt.. not in power... uncontrollable, not in any wreckless fashion, but.. in more a mental (sane) way... Ehh, im probably not making much sence... But whenever i do feel this way.. i only can reflect back on events.. i dont realize an event untill after it has passed, untill after it has taken place... and that i dont like.. not being in power... in power of myself.. being able to control what comes out of my mouth, not being able to control any aspect which i might have control over....

Anyways.. i dont know where i was going with that, but.. i have a segway... It wasnt untill recently that i noticed how much energy and or effort i put into myself. That is, how much effort i put forth to be kind, to be polite and caring, and to not pass judgement or hold grudges... Just thinking about it all makes me extremely tired.. However, its good to hear comments or compliments by people about how kind or how polite i am, in fact... (naturally, of course.. hearing good thins about oneself makes one feel good... pretty basic)... I got this compliment from my counselor who emailed my dad:

> -----Original Message----->
From: Cornils, Deb [mailto:omited]>
Sent: Monday, October 27, 2003 8:47 AM>
To:
Subject: RE: Course Credits
Roland,
Hello again. I seem to remember sending you a reply to this message,> but before I delete your email, I wanted to compliment you on doing a fine job raising your son. I have interacted with Marco on a couple of occasions, and both times I was very impressed with what a fine young man he is. I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting Daniela...
Deborah Cornils

Heh, indeed... and now i shall return to the initial topic of how my sunday left me feeling disconnected from myself... all these topics interconnect, you see? Yes. Heh, random comment or statement.. i think its funny that it takes a lot to set me off, to have me loose control to really irritate me and have me go on a rant, and then how fast i can compose and regain self-control when i do lose it. THe concept of filters is an excellent one.. i filter everything i think, and by the time it comes out of my mouth its a watered down, politically correct, non-harmful sentance which reveals no individuals secrets i might have been asked not to spread, which at times can be a burden. Then again, of course im not perfect, and i do slip up quite frequently and not everything i say is non-harmful and politically correct.... just have to mention that fact so you dont think im a hypocrit... another thing i put a lot of effort into to avoid. Heh, but... i get the feeling that.. all which i have said makes me sound concieted.. or full of myself.. and.. i dont want that either... heh.. oh .. complicated... i dont even know what im talking about anymore at this point in this blog entry..... Heh, ah yes.. Sunday.. how i felt... disconnected from myself... in short.... sunday seemed irrational and rather chaotic.. i went to see kate for about an hour... and.. that was nice... made me feel much better, much more connected with myself and.. rational...

Anyways... besides all that.. what i did on sunday followed the lines of... getting up at 1210 or so, eating lunch... taking a shower.. wes and adam comming over... we went down the back road on worth way and drove around... in the mud.. off roading sort of.. sliding around.. fish tailing.. and i hit a stupid pole or something and cracked open the plastic stuff around the head light... hmph. stupid. Heh... we returned .. and.. uhm.. then Jesse showed up and.. uhm.. we... uhm... "worked" on some stupid government project... we did some stuff... but... ehh.. i dont know... we're screwed... whatever.. i dont care anymore. Heh, i think the project and the fact that i feel bad and stupid for breaking the trucks headlights has left me absolutely exhausted... more so then any normal sunday... and, just and over all combination of chaotic sunday... While driving, i could sence an underlying uncontrolled factor.. or a sence of out-of-control.. a disgruntelling persistant animal like trait, maybe teenage hormones bringing and trying to put forth the stupid, idiotic uncalculating fearless feelings of a stereotypical male teenager... I had trouble concentrating and.. staying in control.. not getting out of hand with my off-roading... i know where the limit is, where the edge is, how far i can push it and i went beyond it, and when i did i realized that i needed to stop driving and.. we left. But, still.. i lost the control, i let that out-of-controll factor get ahold of me.. and it has left me feeling bad, feeling exhausted and some what as a failure for today. Oh sigh.. And, my exhaustion is making me dramatic and emotional, just letting my mind rant and run rampant, as i rant... rant about my pathetic little thoughts, my pathetic little feelings and whatever you might call it, all these personal things when there are far more better things to be contemplated, to be thought about, to be done... But, it is a mentionable fact that ranting here does play a good number on myself.

Last Friday was holloween... Im not a great enthusist about holloween, in fact ill be blunt.. i just simply dont like this "holiday" or, this day... But, thats besides where i was going with this.... Friday, Kate had a little holoween gathering at her house with the whole gand and then some additional AFS kids... I took a nap friday afternoon and then mike came over.. and we headed down to kates house about 90 minutes before everyone else. chatted... you know.. that sort of stuff.. people showed up.. the whole gang except for Matt was there.. we carved pumpkins and chatted, and.. so forth...

It rained Friday.. this made me happy. Not because it rained on holloween (although it was a plus) but, because i really enjoy rain... I like the weather we've been having lately.. a whole lot. Its so nice and cold, if its not wonderfully overcast with depressive gray and dark clouds, its very clearn and a lovely blue sky reigns above, yet not hot at all even though the sun is fully blarring down on me. I was able to start using my quilt my grandmother made for me... So on my bed i have my duvet and then my grandmothers quilt, both of which i place strong sentimental value on. I wake up from a nap, or form my sleep and im just very very warm... but not hot.. i dont break a sweat.. im just extremely warm.. in a little nest of happyness.. i wake up and i feel completely regenerated, refreshened... awesome! Its very nice.. it definately makes me feel good.. i feel like never leaving... Heh, indeed...

I spent saturday waking up in a maner explained just one paragraph above, at around 1300... eating lunch and then going over to kates house... We watched The Godfather, ate dinner, and so forth.. I came back home and filled out and submitted some CSU applications.... fun... oh wait.. not. I hate contemplating my future, college specifically.. i have no idea where i want to go, what i want to do, what my goals and or intentions are.. i really just dont know... I have interests in subjects each of which are on completely different specturums on the cariculum... Some sort of engineer, maybe small parts engineer, or whatever.. or.. photographer... graphic art design... 3d animatiions.. something in the BS are or in the BA range... oh i have no clue..... heh... Yeh...

I realized tonight that i had a lot of unfinished homework to due that was due tomorrow, and i think that added to my frustration and irritation, now ill just have to finish it tomorrow... meh... a full 5 day week.... however, i have a very much accepted 4 day weekend comming up... I am looking forward to it on a grand scale.. i cant wait... Then ... after that.. week.. a 5 day week and then.. another 4 day weekend with thanks giving and what have you... heh.. more days off, give them to me! gimme! gimme! now! I enjoy days when i dont have to go to school, days when i can sleep untill i am no longer tired... untill i am fully relaxed and happy... heh.. oh yes.. i enjoy me days when i do not go to school..

However... i do have school tomorrow, and.. tomorrow is looking to be a pretty horrific and pressing day, so.. i think this entry comes to an end here and i go to bed as soon as it is ended...

And there ya have it.. my rant for this past week... heh... quite lenghty, and a lot more personal then many other weeks.