Published Friday March 12th, 2004

Ah... Yes. It is late, and, im in a most awkward, yet welcomed mood. Complete contentness. Sensitive to the world. Calm, and relaxed. Mellow.

A recap: Tuesday, following a brief nap after school, i went with my grandma on a short little hike up on Ojai, Rose Valley. I took a plethora of photos, of which the very best ill showcase in a blog entry soon. On the return walk, my grandma fell. One second earlier i could just sense that it was about to happen, and before i have time to compute, i see my grandma sliding down a rather steep slope. A tree cought her, and stopped her slide down an otherwise lenghtly journey to the bottom. It was the oddest thing to see, even in slow motion, it seemed. What would have happened was the tree not there? There certainly were no further trees below. ...

Wednesday, yet another too warm day. A combination of heat and wind, the 2 worst aspects of weather, in my opinion, harrased me throughout the day. In the evening i asked Jessica if she would like to accompany me on a little walk, as company, while i took some long exposure shots of the freeway, and such. She accepted, and thusly, i distribute my thanks to her.

Thursday, was a more predictable day then most. The day passed by nearly as expected. On the agenda lay lunch at Steak+Hoagie, French with Kate, and babysit. All according to plan, except for my failure to awaken from my nap, thus forefiting French with Kate. Babysitting was a breeze, and my networth has been increased by $30.

I had some prints made of some of my latest photographs, and i expect them within a few days. I look forward to their arrival.



I watched Donnie Darko this evening/morning. I enjoy movies like this. Another i'd put into the category i speak of would be Lost in Translation, and maybe In America, and others i'm failing to name. Movies like these make me think, ponder, and always put me in the oddest, yet gladly accepted moods. Moods where i feel i have the ability to just ramble; to just spew out some sort of philosophical jargon, which, when reread by myself at a later date, is all nearly complete nonsense which barely makes sence to even myself. However, just forming the words, writing them down, these sentances, phrases, each character... is bliss. Music plays an extremely important part. Too much bass, treble thats too high, and the mood is damaged. Meditation, without any sort of meditation. Finding the center of ones soul... But, when reached, i just look outward. Questions. Questions with no answeres. Particularly not very relevant questions, but questions which hold a much greater philosophical value then of any other. Spoken, and they wither.

Take a long look at the full resolution photo up there ^ by clicking on it. What do you see? How does it make you feel? Some people believe in a greater being, some people to not. I believe those who do seek methods to create company. Assign themselves value, reassurance of their existance. A role model, some guidance, and, why not? I look at this image, and i see lights. Many bright lights. The street lights, lights from shops, from houses, and then the lights from the cars. The cars are not visible, but their headights are. The stream of light flows like a river, up the mountain, over the mountain, and if you take your eye and move it just over the mountains, you find a resonating glow. Does this mean anything? One can not see the cars because they do not reflect enough light back to the camera's lens. We see the headlights because they are the only visible part of the car in the dark. I find company within my surroundings. I find reassurance in my existance because i know, that if i was driving on the freeway, id just be another one of those lights, streaming into the horizon. I'm going somewhere. I'm going over that hill. I'm going to find out whats there. I model myself after what i belive is right, and what i believe is wrong. I find guidance within the flow of light. If i want to come, ill follow the stream of white light. If i want to go, ill follow the stream of red light. Neither destination is defined, or set in stone. Look at the photo. Of course we know where the 101 goes, northbound of south, but do we know where the people driving are going? Where are they going? What for? Why? Will they like it where they're going? Have they gone there before? Will it be their last time going there? If so, why? Why not turn around?

What of the other lights? What are there street lights for, looming over the stream of light? Why? There is plenty of light on the road, thats why we have headlights. Do the street lights aid in seeing? Do they help me see whats around me? Its illuminating my path. Why are all the headlights following this one path? I don't wish to follow this path anymore, i refuse to be appart of the stream of light. Am i now one of the faint, scattered lights to the side? What of the stars in the sky? Can i get there? Is that even a valid question? Can i interact with those lights from where i stand? Mumbojumbo. They are stars. Light from billions of kilometers away, taking years to reach my cameras lens, and now, in some way, forever enshrined in this photo. Proof that the light they sent, reached my camera, reached me. Is that not impressive? Only thing great about them is that they are high in the sky.

I believe its inevitable to get off, out of the stream of light. No longer mainstream. A different mindset from the rest. To achieve as open, as accepting, as unhypocritical a mindset possible, is what's achieved when you're one of those scatered lights. No prejudice. Tolerance. Recognizable to anyone. Great being, or simple. To achieve this, simply get off at the next offramp. Take the scenic route over the hill. Surround yourself with many. Different. Independant. Special. And each, one's own.

I realize, that... A lot of things i say, i think, are very similar to all those english teachers i have hated in the past. The odd hippies of english who spoke too often about the feeling, the inner sense, pictures within pictures, messages within messages... and i realise, i was wrong in my dislike. I do the same.

I believe not, but i believe in other things. Simple.

Though never perfect, and far from it, i do plan on taking that scenic road. I will reach the end of that scenic road, and i then, will continue on. No road maps, no roads to follow. I break free of fate, i believe it false. The roads i pave shall be mine, private, and none shall want to use my roads, for, they are mine, and take one where i went, where i will go. Only fate i shall follow, is that which i create myself.

I tire. Sleep is ...

Take a long look
What of the other lights?
I believe its inevitable
I realize, that...
I believe not
Though never perfect,
I tire.


[marco@tux marco]$ top
00:47:27 up 33 days, 10:34, 7 users, load average: 2.19, 1.11, 0.64
190 processes: 178 sleeping, 9 running, 3 zombie, 0 stopped
CPU0 states: 9.0% user 8.1% system 0.0% nice 0.0% iowait 81.1% idle
CPU1 states: 99.1% user 0.1% system 99.0% nice 0.0% iowait 0.0% idle
Mem: 642804k av, 624156k used, 18648k free, 0k shrd, 4180k buff
440444k actv, 70144k in_d, 54868k in_c
Swap: 2097104k av, 929156k used, 1167948k free 164004k cached


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