metal sliding on metal
Published Wednesday March 23rd, 2005

It's time for a -"I'm so depressed" poor, poor me, feel sorry for me, I'm pathetic- entry. Spare me the "cheer up!," "be optimistic!," and similar style comments. I don't want to hear it. I'm feeling depressed and sorry for myself, remember? Tell me how much you hate yourself, and how you're depressed too, instead.

I'm so incredibly tired. I haven't been able to sleep very well the past few nights. Laying in bed, tossing and turning and becoming ever more agitated with my inability to sleep. Unable to find any comfortable position to lay in, and unable to relax or clear my mind of thoughts. Too many things linger on my "chest." Typically, most of these thoughts revolve around school. I have passed one assignment so far in photo 102. In the "Stupid Pointless Survey Answer" entry I filled a question with much sarcasm because I didn't know an answer for it, but now I do. I wrote, "Your Weakness: I'm invincible," Though I should have written, "Your Weakness: Failure."

It's been a long time since I enjoyed taking a photograph. I question whether this is really the direction in which I should go. I frequently feel that I am not nearly disciplined enough for Brooks. I'm not ready for college. I'm not enjoying it. I don't like the darkroom. I hate developing film, and I don't like black and white photography. All this, and.. It's rather expensive. If I fail photo 102 it'll be a lovely waste of my Dad's money. The omnipresence of failure makes my chest hurt, stresses me beyond belief, and depresses me.

The combination of tiredness and stress and the omnipresence of failure is greatly depressing to me. This combination makes me feel lonely and I greatly miss things from my past. I miss Switzerland, and I miss travelling through Greece. I miss being in large, exciting German cities, and I miss various European societies and cultures. I miss hearing people speak swiss German (or even German) around me. I miss the way younger females in Switzerland speak and act completely different than they do here. I miss my cousins, my grandparents, and other relatives. I miss German television, and cities like Bern and Lausanne. I miss occasionally seeing beautifully snow-capped mountains. The lovely white peaks of the Alps jutting into the sometimes-blue sky. I miss the swiss Nestle ice tea, and Rivella. I miss walking from my grandparents apartment, down a street into town, and to my other grandparent's home. I miss the patches of forest among patches of green grass or crisp-white snow. I miss waiting for a train, standing on the platform as various trains speed by engulfing me in great powerful winds and a specific smell of train grease, electricity, and metal sliding on metal.

When I'm not depressed, when there is no omnipresence of failure, I draw on my content or happiness to cover-up the things I miss. To push those things aside. When there is nothing to draw energy from, I miss many things and am unhappy as I am now. Sad. I'm so incredibly tired. I want to sleep, but I fear if I nap I will be up for hours and hours during the night. I have two classes tomorrow. One at 07.00 in the morning which I leave my house at 05.50 for, and another at 16.45. I really hope I can sleep. When I have to wake up early and did not sleep well the night before, I get these painful stomach aches. Last Tuesday I missed 45 minutes of English class because I was in a good deal of pain in the restroom. I tell you this because I want your sympathy and for you to feel sorry for me. No need to deny it. That's why most people would write such an entry and post it on the web.

Heh.. This entry is incomplete.. But I really need to go to bed. Thursday starts at 05.30 for me.
Posted by xiphias @ 08:14, March 24, 2005
Don't wear yourself out worrying. You're not a failure yet. Don't be like me and let the thought of failure consume you, making you a failure in the end. Trust me, it's much worse when you actually have a great failure to deal with as opposed to being afraid you might fail.

Posted by Ursula @ 13:10, March 24, 2005
Du denkst das collage ist nicht das richtige f

Posted by chris @ 16:56, March 24, 2005
i blame the parental guidance of the late 80s/early 90s. no joke. they feed us this bullshit about "you can be anything you want to be" so when you get a job and you're not a president or astronaut, youre depressed. either that or maybe we should just bite the bullet and go through college.

Posted by Jason+Abrahamson @ 18:16, March 24, 2005
Marco- How about some friendly words of wisdom from your past... Everybody I met told me you had to go to school and get an had to go to school and get that was important. Kindly I thanked them for their advice and moved on landing my first Network Administrator job right out of HS at Jettis Systems (Subsidiary of Hustler Magazine). I kept porn on the internet. When my contract was up I left Jettis with just over a 1000 dollars, and lots of unpaid bills, credit cards, gas, insurance, etc...when the dust settled I was broke and had nothing to show for it. I went into freelance marketing, made instant cash but didn

Posted by Marco @ 21:31, March 24, 2005
Thank you for that.

Posted by Margret @ 08:57, March 26, 2005
Your friends are great Marco, they hit the nail on the head! Worry about other things than the Geld.

Posted by Chelsea @ 23:56, March 30, 2005
I found this entry and all of it's responses inspiring Marco.