Published Thursday July 7th, 2005

Ah.. I think I shall write something of an entry. I really haven't made any postings lately.. But that's okay. I'm somewhat bummed as I write this, and I find that it is usually in such situations that I tend to write these entries.


Today I drove my dad, mom and Andrea to LAX airport for their flight to Switzerland. I'm not going this year.. The first summer I wont spend in Switzerland in at least 7 years. A knife rests in my chest, pierced through my heart. Instead of flying to Switzerland, I found myself with Daniela in my family's white minivan sitting in traffic on the 405 driving back to a predominantly conservative, boring town. (Yes, conservative and boring go hand in hand... with stupid, retarded and dumb.. among other things... But that's just my opinion.)

We returned home and a looming headache made itself known and I felt crippled and called off my evening plans. I went to bed, and a few moments ago I woke up feeling more disconnected with the world than I have felt in a great long while. My head still heavy and in discomfort I type this entry for my eyes will not shut for me to continue with my slumber..

Around a bit more than two weeks ago I finally got a job at Kragen Auto Parts over on Carmen Dr. After working three non-consecutive days, my family and I left Camarillo in an R.V. and headed up North. Some major stops on the trip included Lake Shasta, Oregon Caves National Monument, Redwoods National Park, and Oregon Dunes National State Park where my family and I went ATV'ing on the dunes.. ATV'ing was some of the best fun I've had in a loooong looong time, especially coming from the monotony of Camarillo. The trip which lasted 8 days was a lot of fun. It was nice to be with my sisters all day long in close proximity.. Lots of fun fun sibling horse-play. I hate the word/phrase horse-play. It's one of the words/phrases that disgust me from the American English language. Either way.. The trip was good fun quality time with siblings and parents.. I hope we all get another chance to do it again, sometime..

Since returning from the trip last Saturday it's been the same daily Camarillian life as usual.. Matt, Tyson, Norm and I went bowling last Saturday, and this was fun.. Sunday I saw Jessica for the first time in a year. A re-acquaintance that was unexpected, but welcomed. Monday I bought a model aeroplane and that was also fun, and then Tyson brought his awesome speakers to my house and we played with them some.


My headache which at the beginning of writing this entry was mostly subdued, is slowly beginning to make a come-back.. I'm listening to music which instead of making me happy or being uplifting as I would normally find it, is making me sad, depressed and lonely.. At the moment, Seal and Maylene Farmer - Les Mots is not very uplifting.. but then again this song never seems to be, though it is a wonderful ballad. ... Wow I'm rambling.

Blah.

Anxiety about the future seems to accompany my depression. Loneliness seems to fuel both. Discontent sustains it... something.. something.... something something... word word word word word word word.. text.. text.. text.. text.. text... I might as well do this all the way through my entry because that is just about as worthwhile as what I am writing.

My life has no direction. I will disconnected from ... something. I'm unmotivated. I passionately envy successful people and use their success to bring myself down. Blah. Whatever, is what i say to myself.

Bed.