Published Monday December 25th, 2006 from my room in Camarillo, CA. Listening to Laura Pausini - E Ritorno Da Te, feeling tired, lonely, nostalgic, and longing for something out of my grasp.

When we eat pistachios and we come across one who's shell is complete, and without any opening, do we attempt to get to the inside, or just discard it with the rest of the empty shells seeing that it would be easier to just grab another pistachio? Earlier this evening I did just that; I quickly gave up on a well-shelled pistachio in favour for another, discarding the first entirely.

This looming feeling, this sense of closure hangs in my air. I feel that another chapter of my life is coming to a close as the year does. Though, not particularly because the year is coming to an end, but more of the events which have and will transpire in the recent past and immediate future.

I've spent the past few hours watching old music videos and listening to music which I've not heard in quite some time. Artists like Juli, Silbermond, Laura Pausini, Alizée, Lunik, and so forth. All European pop artists, all with the ability to bring about a certain state of nostalgia in my being. With nostalgia for Europe comes longing to be back in Europe. It seems so remote these days. Almost forgotten. Distant. Both Europe and the nostalgia. It comes and goes and this early morning it came. I wish I was surrounded by Europe instead of America.

Another semester at Moorpark College is two weeks away. I'm taking two classes which might lead me down the path of a major in music. Music is something I've always been interested in, but like so many other fields of interest, I've never been interested enough, motivated enough, or pushed myself enough to get very far. It's always been easier to discard the well-shelled pistachio and grab another.

Two of my best friends of this and past years, Matt and Chelsea, will be moving up north to the Bay area soon. Although the friendship with the latter peaked a while ago, Matt and I have been long-standing partners in crime, literally and metaphorically speaking. He's also been my DJ-buddy from day one in our DJing adventures. The conclusion nears and I feel indifferent. Another chapter closes with the pages written. The author stares blankly at the next few pages in the next chapter, each blank and yet to be written, brainstorming for ideas of what might next happen to the main character.

I've been considering "sacrificing" any time I might take off from work this coming summer to go to Europe and instead use the time to go somewhere in Asia. I'd really like to do both, but I doubt getting at least two months off from work will go across very well with my boss. This is one of the very few reasons why I really fucking hate work. Thinking about not going to Europe, back to Switzerland next summer is difficult. It's always been a sort of "recharge" to go to Switzerland over the summer and come back sane again. At the same time, I'd really like to explore different parts of the world. Choosing where to go is difficult.

Perhaps with the closing of another chapter in life, and the beginning of another, I might find the un-shelling of the well shelled pistachio more accessible. As for Europe.. I don't know. I've missed it and I'll continue to miss it and miss it some more.

The world goes 'round and 'round
And I keep walking walking.
Will I wake to something soon?